#you would not believe how long ive had that in my files
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Pay it no mind
Part XXVII
In which reader confesses their feelings to Gojo, but it seems these are not returned (maybe?).
Warnings: reader is on the receiving end of rejection (kinda), and the fact that I'm obsessed with unrequited love is a warning itself. Firearms/injuries mentioned.
Previous: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X, Part XI, Part XII, Part XIII, Part IV, Part XV, Part XVI, Part XVII, Part XVIII, Part XIX, Part XX, Part XXI, Part XXII, Part XXIII, Part XXIV, Part XXV, Part XXVI
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You closed the shoji door rather roughly and walked away in a bothered, quick pace only stopping when your shoes reached grass.
Despite how insulting the whole meeting with the Zen’in elders had been, was leaving like this the wisest choice?
Probably not, but you could not care less at that moment.
“You look displeased,” the voice of Naoya, accompanied by his unhurried steps through the wooden floor of the engawa, called behind you.
You did not turn around. “And you sound a bit too pleased with yourself.”
“Would it be a crime if I were?”
What Naoya really wondered was would Gojo Satoru be bothered enough to come after them for upsetting you?
He was no fool; he never believed you would accept an invitation into his family. He did not consider you worthy of it either, but the elders had insisted on trying to buy you. A means to an end, they had said.
The whole set up was meant to secure them an opportunity to negotiate with Gojo. His protégé for his lover.
It’s a stupid plan if you ask me, Naoya thought.
He had certain respect for Gojo’s power, for he was the type of man who could and would dirty his hands if it had meaning, if it meant keeping everything. But the elders’ hope was that, just like a few years ago, Gojo Satoru had been civil enough to, as peacefully as possible, arrange the custody of Toji’s son, he would again, trade that same child for your freedom.
“Is that the point of this? To get a reaction out of me?” Naoya heard you ask in a frustrated tone. But you knew it was not that.
They had offered you an obscene fortune and what might have been considered a shortcut to success for your career as a sorcerer, besides a few other ‘benefits’ that would ‘put your family on the map’ of the jujutsu world and pull them out of ‘their inferior condition’.
As if I wanted that… As if we needed their condescendence.
You had been firm when rejecting them, and the air had turned ominous back there when you had left clear you had no intention of entertaining such proposal further.
“Don’t flatter yourself. My siblings have bad taste in partners that’s all.” Naoya was now standing next to you. He gestured ahead. “Shall we?”
Even if they had an ulterior motive, as long as they let you leave, you had no intention of staying there any longer either.
“I can see myself out,” you responded, slightly surprised that Naoya had not started walking ahead of you as he usually did.
His smile was unreadable. “Let me walk you out one last time.”
***
The night had started easy enough. A civilian with a bit of a gift, or rather a bit of a curse, had spotted something weird in an area where a missing child had been reported not long ago, and next thing you knew, an assistant with a freshly opened file was briefing you through the details of your next mission.
“The students we sent last week did not find anything; they exorcised a grade three, and said something about some residual cursed energy around the entrance to the station, but nothing that should be a problem for the average person,” Nitta pointed out while she drove you to the area.
“Why is that section of the station closed?” you asked from the backseat.
Knowing why a curse might appear and stick somewhere was not always necessary, but it would help you form an idea of what you could find.
Nitta kept her eyes on the road and recited form memory. “It was closed for reparations, but no incidents had been reported until three weeks ago, when…”
When three high school boys trespassed and went into the closured section for some sort of dare, and only two of them came out.
You nodded and looked outside.
A first or a special grade would have killed them all for sure.
You had certainly learned to not underestimate curses, regardless of their grade, but after all those pit stops at Shoko’s office, it was refreshing to be assigned a mission that would not be too challenging.
***
Or that is what you thought.
Maybe you were just out of it lately. Why else would you be tired and sore after what had been a rather easy fight?
“My students would have been able to handle it,” you mumbled for your self as you climbed the stairs to your apartment.
Perhaps you were distracted, trying too hard to not make mistakes that you ended up making more.
You had not detected the second curse on time to dodge a hit. It was not fatal, and you would not bother Shoko for a little scratch at this ungodly hour of the night.
As you reached your floor, you searched your pocket for your keys.
Huh.
You palmed the other one.
No.
But you had put the keys in your pocket before leaving for the mission, had you not?
You halted before walking down the hall to your door. Had you dropped them somewhere?
What should you do now? Climb to your window outside and try to open it? Force the door? Lord, you had not picked a lock since you and Gojo were teenagers…
That’s right… Gojo.
He still had your spare key, assuming he had not decided to hate you and thrown it away into the sea.
You walked down the hall slowly, your thumb hovering over his name in your contacts, almost forcing yourself to finally call him for help.
Screw it. Just call him.
You tapped the phone icon.
Ring and ring but no answer.
Is he ignoring me? No... Be rational. He's probably busy with something else, or asleep, as a normal person would be.
Why did this have to happen at this time?
You stood in front of your door and left a voicemail for Satoru. Hopefully, he would hear it and come over when he had a chance.
On the other hand, if he would not hear it until next morning, maybe trying to pick the lock would be faster.
You were accepting that idea when you pushed the door gently, and to your surprise, it swung open.
Oh.
Had you not closed it properly before leaving?
No, that can’t be.
You had clear recollection of your hand turning the key in the lock to ensure it was closed before leaving.
A burglar? That was possibility.
Your instincts were telling you to not go in, but as we all know, sometimes the body does not listen to the mind before moving.
It was dark.
There had been very few times that Satoru would get into your apartment if you were not there. He was like that stray cat you sometimes fed, that for some reason enjoyed watching your life through your window and would sometimes just cautiously sit inside and wait for you to come home.
But Satoru usually turned the lights on.
As you stepped into your space, staying in the illuminated patch provided by the light that came from the hallway, something felt amiss.
You flipped the switch that lighted the entryway and slowly walked through the narrow hall that divided your living room and your kitchen.
The movement in your kitchen caught your eyes and you quickly moved to turn on the next set of lights, relaxing slightly when a familiar gray cat stared back at you with big yellow eyes.
“It’s you…” you looked at it, and the cat’s pupils seemed to widen, focusing on a spot in your living room.
You heard a click and turned to meet a pair of eyes you had never seen before. He was standing some feet away from you, still partially in the darkness in the living room, but now that your eyes could see him, you could tell, or rather feel, he was a sorcerer. Why had you not perceived him before?
“Who..?” you started asking when your eyes lowered to the handgun in his right hand that was aiming at you.
“It’s not personal,” he said and fired.
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Note: I'm still not over the manga...
Thank you for reading!
Next: Part XXVIII
@mavs-stuff @witchbybirth @crookedlyaddictedone-blog @tqd4455 @maybe-a-bi-witch @mo0nforme @maliakealoha @zacatecanaaaa @blushhpeachh @astriarose @missesgojosatoru @ba-ks @sukunasleftkneecap @songbirdlully @cole-silas @heijihattorisgf @chokesonspit @hersheyzzz @smolbeanzzz @luciledreamz @avidreadee123 @moonmalice @ratscandaler @sadmonke
#gojo satoru#gojo x you#gojo x y/n#jjk fanfic#gojo fanfic#satoru x reader#jjk satoru#gojo satoru x reader#gojo x reader#jjk#pay it no mind
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Could you do pro heroes x teen child reader who has to take some temporary medicine which caused them to gain some weight? As long as they are taking It, their weight isn't budging which is affecting their self esteem, and thus have taken to extreme dieting and how they comfort her? (Best Jeanist and Aizawa)
Aizawa & Best Jeanist x Teen Reader
Self Image Issues
(I too have experienced weight gain issues from taking birth control and now with my depression, I find I struggle the most with motivation and self image, so I kinda understand. I’m trying to lose the weight but it’s so hard and it’s seriously affecting my mental health. Sorry, anyways, onto the Drabble.)
You were a student who was interning with Best Jeanist. You had been interning with him before you took the pills and although he has noticed your weight gain, he has said nothing about it. He assumed you were find until he one day heard you throwing up in the bathroom after he had seen you eating lunch. Before you could leave the agency that day, he asked you to stay back and chat with him for a bit. You had no ideas what this could be about do you agreed.
When Best Jeanist revealed that he heard you throwing up after lunch he wanted to make sure you were okay. If you were starting to get sick then he wanted to walk you home or have one of his sidekicks walk you home. You played it off as something you had eaten made you nauseous so you force yourself to purge whatever was causing the nausea and it worked. It took awhile, but he believed you and let you go.
The next day during school, one of your friends noticed how little food you had brought for lunch and asked if you wanted some of their’s. You politely declined and told them you were on a strict diet and that the medication you’re having to take requires this strict diet. Needless to say, some believed you and those that didn’t merely asked questions or stayed silent.
It wasn’t until you stoped coming to dinner and would only eat like half an apple or nothing that certain people began to question this ‘diet’. Bakugou knew something wasn’t adding up. So he made sure to watch you prepare your lunch the next morning and saw that a lot of the food, contained Iceberg Lettuce. A leafy green that has the nutritional value of cardboard. Sure it might fill you up, but there’s hardly anything you could get from it except water. He watched as you made your lunch with little to no calories or nutritional food. It was mainly just lettuce.
Bakugou wasn’t an idiot, he knew that you had been gaining weight and he had overheard the girls talking about how you had been possibly getting sick since you would be throwing up more often. He put two and two together and decided to inform Aizawa about his suspicions since he didn’t want to mess things up if he was wrong. Aizawa was glad to hear from Bakugou’s input and Aizawa began to keep a closer eye on you.
It was during your interning at Best Jeanist’s agency when you were bringing him some files and ended up passing out due to not consuming enough nutrients for your body. Of course, Best Jeanist called Aizawa to inform him of what happened and that was when they agreed to sit down with the reader to figure out what’s going on. When you woke up, you were still in Best Jeanist’s agency and we’re about to get up to go back to work until you noticed an IV bag attached to tube that connected to a needle in your arm.
“So you’re awake, good, we’d like to talk to you”
You looked over to the couch across from you and saw Aizawa and Best Jeanist sitting there. Best Jeanist remained calm and elegantly poised while Aizawa was hunched over with his elbows in his lap.
“Do you know why you collapsed earlier?” Best Jeanist inquired.
“Um…”
“You fainted due to a lack of nutrients in your body. Your body had been overworking and ran out of energy so it basically shut down on you” Aizawa spoke in a stern tone.
“Your body is like a cloth, if you don’t properly care for it, eventually wear and tear, as well as exposure to its environment will end up destroying the cloth and causing the fabric to fall apart. That’s what you’re doing to your body at the moment by withholding the proper care it requires” Jeanist explained.
“I hate to ask this, but does this have anything to do with your recent weight gain? I’ve noticed, as well as your classmates that your eating habits have changed and not for the better. It’s fine to diet but you have to make sure you do it right or it could cause more harm than good” Aizawa softly inquired.
That’s when you couldn’t look them in the eyes and curled up on the couch and hid your face in your knees the best you could as your started crying. At that, the pro heroes realized that they had hit a sore spot. Your cried as your tried to explain to them how your doctor prescribed you a temporary but necessary medication for you to take but that the medication has caused you to gain weight. You tried to explain about how your self esteem has been affected and how you hate your body but that you tried other kinds of methods to help reduce your weight but it hasn’t worked at all.
You cried as you continued to explain how you grew more desperate as your mental health became worse due to your increase in weight. You told them about how nothing seems to work and you can’t just stop taking the medication since it’s vital for you. After you explained everything you all sat in silence as Best Jeanist handed you a tissue box for your tears.
To keep the reader from extreme dieting, they help the reader count calories and makes sure to help them lose more calories than they take in. Maybe they help look for alternatives for the medicine or look for weigh loss supplements that will help.
Best Jeanist would buy cute clothes for the reader
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ouuuu i need the lore... i love selfships so much.... nuze lore please.... if you want..........
YAY YAY YAY. im gonna try so hard to keep this somewhat brief to leave room for any more questions but we'll see how that goes <3
so to preface this E does have a toyhouse bio that you can look at if you're curious! it has a more in-depth look at his personality and whole deal. you can also look at his gallery if you'd like; thats where his references and other artwork for him are stored!
ALRIGHT. RAMBLING UNDER THE CUT
a lot of it is very much to fulfill my weird convoluted fantasy of "what if i lost all hope for a future that i exist in and was convinced that i was going to succumb to the claws of my trauma and rot there forever (basically dooming myself in my own narrative) thus becoming the absolute worst version of myself in what i believe to be my final moments only for someone (two someones in this case) to love and believe in me so much that, despite it all and despite everything that was done to me and that ive done myself, gives me enough hope to undoom myself". i'm normal i swear.
also just generally im a big big sucker for stories about survivors of trauma being there for each other, and in that way i get a lot of comfort from nuze.
SO. NUZE LORE... (once again shout outs to my bestie night for coining their ship name lol)
i guess ill break it down like this, starting with N/E. (alt. ship name being pupE love (coined by another bestie of mine charlie)) E knew N back at the manor and they were close friends then, N was the first person E came out as trans to (by that i mean. N helped E work through his tumultuous robo gender feelings in real time) and N was the only one E really felt comfortable around. (other than tessa! E was also friendly with V back then as well<3)
however, E was also badly traumatized by his time in the manor, and of course Canon Events happen. E, as a disassembly drone, is now much more muted, detached, numbed, and devoted completely to their directive. he's very very very repressed and his specific brand of memory issues as well as the fucked up memory dreams causes him to dissociate and spiral a lot. he also distanced himself a lot from N for reasons even he isn't entirely privy to. something in his hardwiring just told him that N would be safer the less E stayed with him. and N is!!! really saddened by that!!! its normal! E has to learn to not be an emotionless object and actually let himself feel and need and yearn, and N is a big help with that (uzi is as well ofc!!)
i have to skip past a lot of things for the sake of not making this post so many words long but regardless; N/E is really special to me because they are two people who are in a very similar and scary situation and have had to see each other get hurt or even killed in many clone instances in many reset memory files. and its the just. the willingness to love despite knowing what happened to you and even witnessing it at times, to say "this is not all we are" and break free from those iron chains despite knowing how much it'll hurt and how dire everything is. E is so convinced that its all worthless and he couldn't be anything more than what he's used for, while N desperately wants a better life for himself and those he loves, and he's gonna drag E kicking and screaming to hope and healing. <3
NOW. UZIE :3 (alt. ship name is angelfangz)
E is MIA from the squad until like right after episode 3 canonically happens and is found by uzi and N. uzi does not trust E at first not one bit LMFAO. she doesn't hate him but like. her only frame of reference for murder drones besides N is V and J. and also E is like. he's weird and says weird cryptic things and is not exactly the easiest to talk to due to how off-putting and repressed he is. at first E is like "why is there a worker drone. in the spire. and we're all okay with this" but after actually getting more context behind Everything he's curious about her more than anything. he has to be swayed into betraying his initial directive (kill all worker drones. yknow) only because thats like all he knows how to do and would feel aimless without it, but once he is he's loyal to his new directive (help uzi figure out what the hell is going on with this solver business). yeah he treats himself like an object that can only find worth in being ordered around but we dont have time to unpack all of that right now. he unlearns it later i prommy.
uzi is like. spitefully resistant to getting to know E on a deeper lever, but this is uzi "no bonding thing" doorman and she cannot help but care about E and be concerned about his behavior. she will notttt admit that however and stubbornly holds her ground. it isnt until post-episode 4 when E and uzi are fully vulnerable around each other.
uziE is. so so very important to me. uzi has been outcasted and isolated for so much of her life, she's been treated as a weirdo freak monster by her classmates and becomes outwardly prickly and aggressive to cope with how little affection and reassurance she's been given. i know she's internalized it to mean there is something wrong with her that everyone else can see, and its only a matter of time before those who actually care for her see it too and leave her. and i know that the events of episode 4 confirmed it in her mind, that she is a freak monster and everyone was right to avoid and hate her, even though she never asked for any of this. thats a very familar feeling to me- and by extension E. E recognizes the feeling of being made into a monster against your will, of fearing and being unable to trust yourself, and of feeling like its best for everyone's safety to hide away. E and uzi find solace and comfort in each other for that. they dont see each other as broken irredeemable monsters, so maybe they aren't.
im stopping here because holy shit this got long but THERES A LOT MORE LOLL. tldr nuze altogether is very very important to me and i could talk about them forever and ever. they love each other all so much and they grow and heal and forgive and aaaaughhhgh<3 im normal.
#gloom.ask#THANK YOU FOR ASKING AND LETTING ME BE INSANE <333 THERES A LOT MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM#WOULD YOU BELIEVE ME IF I TOLD YOU THIS WAS THE SHORT VERSION. BC I LEFT OUT A LOTTT OF IMPORTANT DETAILS#that being said...... if theres any more questions...... hiiiiii<333#long post#im so fucking sorry i tried so hard to keep it brief#murder drones#self ship#oc x canon#sd-e#murder drones oc#uzi doorman#serial designation n
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1. would caro and john be into the tv show, the x-files? would they buy tapes of the episodes and talk about their own conspiracies and guess about the outcomes of the episodes.
2. also your comic has help peak my interest for the supernatural and conspiracy theories. what are some stories or theories that you’ve learned about that you have found the most interesting? and were you a believer before starting your comics or has your interest grown as you’ve continued with your comics.
3.lastly, i’m trying to buy more secondhand items and become the diy punk that i’ve aspired to be since high school (too afraid since i was a closeted trans man and living with an unaccepting family), any tips?
i, like john, try to stay away from modern tech as much as i can. i’m able to stay off my phone for the most part and rarely use my computer but i’ve been looking around and audiobooks on cassette are kinda expensive around me so i like to narrate book as i read them in paperback. i was wondering if canonically john uses resources such as the library and what his favorite books and movies are. i love horror and am just now getting into sci-fi and i love watching movies on my vcr + tv combo and i sometimes use a blu-ray player for more rare or expensive (at least in vhs format) movies.
sorry for the long winded paragraph, i’m unfortunately unable to escape my strict household (despite being an adult) until i find a job and am able to save every cent. i also tend to isolate myself so i have no friends to help me out. sorry to vent to you about this but i just wanted to end this by saying your comic and characters inspire me and give me hope that i’ll be okay once i’m free.
YES. John is obsessed with x-files. every once in a while you can see he has the iconic 'i want to believe' poster in his younger years on his walls. He still has it as an adult. both caro and john like watching those together, they also enjoy the twilight zone, charmed, Buffy (they they agree the corny movie from '92 is the best) and those old Bruce Campbell shows noones heard of, re: Brisco County Jr. I think as kids they theorize, and as adults they talk about everything everyone gets wrong, now that they know how these things really work. John can always guess WhoDunnit.
Ive always been interested in the idea of the supernatural. im a big skeptic though, ill be honest there, even though ive had many 'experiences' myself. i kinda like the idea of the unbelievable. definitely making the comics has peaked my interest in things i wasn't too keenly aware of before, like cryptids. im fascinated by the concept of Missing 411, and missing people who reappear somewhere else, but Liminal Spaces hold my heart specifically. ive always been keenly aware of the off feeling in those places before i even knew what that meant. i love scouring the internet for images of things like abandoned hotels that give me a weird kind of uneasy, most of the things people tag as Liminal aren't really that, so its a scavenger hunt to find something that fits my idea of it. coming up with the lore of my stories has been an adventure. my interest has definitely grown, more in places and phenomenon than in ghosts specifically.
there are so mnay things you can do to diy punk stuff, in my opinion thats the best and most rewarding way. it sounds to me that you need to start small and slow for your safety, so let me reassure you right here anon, that punk is a set of ideals, and not just fashion. youre still punk no matter what youre wearing. a jacket or vest is always a good place to start, you can literally buy ANYTHING at the thift store that strikes your fancy. this is a canvas you will be adding too for as long as its yours. once you have your canvas, its time to create, and there is literally no wrong way to do this. you can use paint markers, embroidery, bleach, ect. dont have money for spikes and studs? you can use soda can tabs and bend them, metal lighter caps, hell even staples and safety pins always look cool. you can make your own badges by bending metal soda or beer caps around a soda tab with a safety pin through it and then paint whatever you want on the cap. dental floss is what you usually see when punks have the white stitching on their pants and jackets, its durable and doesn't break, since crust and gutter punks need tough clothes that last. if you're worried about your family, i would personalize it first in small secret ways that are just for you, such as a message beneath your collar as seen here on my friends jacket. and here, and here! he hides patches on the inside as well! Im including a pic of john hiding a patch on caros varsity jacket as well. i will post my jackets one day, my camera is broken but i figured id share his since he hides things more than i do!
John absolutely uses the library, its a fantastic resource for SO many things, depending on where you're located. He would also probably use a digital reader later, because many of them you can get library cards on and borrow books that way. he is not a strong reader so he mostly reads books that may be under his age level, like goosebumps, but who cares, do what you enjoy. movie wise hes very obsessed with cosmic horror (hence the UFO tattoo) his favorites are Alien, The Thing, Killer Klowns from Outer Space and the Blob from the 80s. both he and Caro love the original Evil Dead franchise, horror comedy like American Werewolf in London, lost boys, etc.
Thank you, Anon, for the long winded paragraph. You asked some really fun questions for me to answer, i love nothing more than to talk about my characters, it was a really nice little break from editing a new podcast episode. I am so so sorry about your situation, and i am sending you all the best and all the love and strength that you can come out of this free and on the other side and live as yourself. If my comics and characters stories can provide a tiny bit of hope that its going to be ok, than ive succeeded at what i set out to do. wishing you all the best. and look into your library, they may have resources to help you with this as well.
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Yes pls do yap about Chameleon she's like one of my top 5 favs in PTN her interro was so damn interesting I was on the edge of my seat the entire time I will always say how surprising it is that she's canonically considered an S-class threat lore wise but is an A-class sinner gameplay wise
Also JADE AND KAFKA??? PWAHAHAHA me too. Love women who can probably make me do things I would never do willingly
-🧸
yes omg, that’s also what intrigued me the most about her. even chief had to succumb to her influence in order to develop a resistance to her power, i was so gagged. huge boobs aside, her ability to fit in with the human crowd as a Sinner is really interesting because her “disguise” comes from understanding how people work, what drives them, what influences them, etc. like thinking about it, she’s the perfect example of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. there’s a cold, clinical aspect of her that i like a lot, in her interro even though she wasnt doing anything she was still kinda unsettling because you could tell that she had ill intentions but she was also very calm and collected, smiling and in control… i love that “is this real? is she inside my head?” realization that always comes too late for her victims. and i love how playful she is about it too— “is it? maybe this is all fake…” i find her very funny. it’s obvious that she enjoys fucking with people, so to have her explicitly call that man and chief “toys” was delightful for me, as we know i like characters who objectify people😞 her interest/skills in psychology make sense but i cant believe chief let her keep that practice license… to think that she can destroy what makes someone human just by invading their mind is crazy, to know that she does it for fun is crazier. girlie had a private clinic where she’d brainwash people like 😭 she’s so hilarious to me because if she wanted she could be helping hundreds, her mbcc files say that her therapy is super effective but she just doesnt gaf. she practices for a check now and probably because she’s playing the long game, and i think that’s silly too
i was thinking abt characters who fit my type in hsr and had to (begrudgingly) add jade unfortunately… ive been itching to write for her for a while now but our relationship is complicated i cant let her take over my mind… her seductive and evil ways will not work on me, begone temptress!!!
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ive come kneeling at your doorstep to beg for that essay on murio and luciels parallels you mentioned 👀💦👉👈
i love loathing lucio so much so it would deal my lil hater ass so much psychic damage and i cannot wait to get rekt
(onlyifyouwanttothoofcoursetakeyourtime)(just making sure youre aware id print that shit n frame it above my bed were it to come to existence)
Hello @tetsuooooooooooo! I know you said I can take my time, ok I'm still really really sorry this took awhile, I've been kinda burnt out from classes lately, and writing a bunch of essays for that lol, but I've managed to make a somewhat coherent argument for my case here lol.
Now, to preface this:
I only really like Lucio as a character to thematically dissect and kick around occasionally for giggles. I am a far, far cry from a Lucio stan, I just find him interesting—like a bug. Honestly I don't think I'm gonna convince you he's in any way a good guy I just might make you loathe him more 😅
I haven't played Lucio's route. I'm too busy and I get too annoyed with some of his antics + the options of reactions that MC is allowed to make. I've only played the side stories and a lot of my understanding of his character is built from Muriel's route (and I know he's much more different in his own route than he is in the others') as well as hearsay from other people talking about Lucio
I know I said that I'd include Aurora's songs in my original statement but that got wayyyyyyy too messy so I'm just opting to exclude them lol. (not to mention youtube is doing a very irritatingly strange thing of deleting and then reuploading Aurora's songs??? so I don't wanna deal with the messy files :/)
With that out of the way here is my essay :)
Wordcount: 2,908
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Muriel and Lucio are both very, very caught up in how they are seen by others. While it's clearer when it comes to Lucio, it is also made clear in Muriel by the fact that Social anxiety is often caused by stress over how a person is perceived and their mental belief that they are helpless to change that perception. This causes of their self perception are also quite similar, due to their similar histories, but in the same way that there are some notable opposites between them with their struggle for their identity there is also some notable differences in their histories that arguably causes the slight difference in their struggle for their self image.
To begin with their history, Muriel and Lucio are noted to both come from the South. They come from two opposing tribes, and are both eventually chased out of their home and community by 1) a cruel person who arguably causes their struggle of identity and 2) the plague. Of course, the major difference here is that Lucio actively made decisions that would lead to him being chased out of his tribe, he was arguably aware that if it failed he'd have to leave, he just hadn't considered that it would actually fail.
Muriel on the other hand is chased out of his home at a much younger age, and he has no choice in his eviction from his home or his family. There is no action that Muriel could have done that would have allowed him to stay where he was, unlike Lucio who had a clear option that would have allowed him to stay.
Or at least would have allowed him to stay until he grew tired of his mother's attitude towards him.
I don't believe that Morga's cruel and dismissive attitude towards Lucio started when he tried to kill her, rather, I believe that she has been doing that for a long, long time. She often states that she had been "too soft" on Lucio, but I think her "softness" is the same kind we see in Muriel's route. She berates him, she threatens him, she tells him how awful and unskilled he is to everyone else and makes a show of his failures, but when she is completely and fully enraged and is about to hit Lucio, she hesitates.
Is that softness? To her perhaps. To the tribe, perhaps. But not to me, and not to Lucio.
So, despite all of the harsh words thrown his way, he decides to take action to prove her wrong. I'm willing to bet that a lot of Morga's criticisms were about how strong he was and how he was in fact not actually as strong as he could have been, not as strong as he should have been. That's why when he takes action to prove Morga wrong, he immediately snaps to killing her. There is, after all, no better way than showing your power than killing your opponent (we see this belief in Morga when she spars against Muriel and he beats her.) Of course, in hand-to-hand combat, and on fair terms, Lucio can't actually defeat his mother, so he takes to more under-handed methods in order to beat her.
When this fails, it is the first major wound on his self-image. He cannot defeat his mother. He is not strong enough to defeat his mother despite cheating.
So, he runs away.
Besides marking a wound on his self-image, this also marks Lucio's connection to others. Having been exiled from his tribe, he is disconnected from the friends who may have actually supported him somewhat, he is robbed of his connections and separated from anyone who may have actually loved and cared for him (platonically and/or romantically)
Similarly, Muriel's separation from his own family, and his eventual abandonment into the streets of Vesuvia separates him from any stable sense of love and affection as well. Because he was separated from loving parents as a child and was likely surrounded by a number of children who were abandoned because they were unwanted, or because their parents were unable to care for them, Muriel has no other answer than what the other kids give him it is the only answer he has. Further more I believe that Muriel was probably abandoned by that merchant because they were unable to keep feeding him, which he also attaches onto his real parents as to why he was abandoned in the first place.
And so Muriel believes himself to be unloved and unlovable after being separated from family, or any semblance of a family.
Returning to Lucio, he moves on from his tribe and eventually joins a military group(? I think? Idk. I'm sure there was a specific name for it but I can't remember sorry) Once again, this is an act of trying to prove to his mother and to his community that they were wrong, and when compared to the ordinary person outside of their tribe, he's actually a really good and capable fighter. Of course, however, this is inevitably cut short as he looses his arm, and is once again confronted with the fact that he is unskilled as a warrior and so he retreats from his perceived deficiency and takes a different route to getting the love and admiration he wants—politics.
Of course, as we see in Muriel and Asra's childhood tale, this inevitably puts him into direct conflict as, in order to climb the social ladder he offers to "clean up" the streets. While it's largely left up to interpretation as to whether or not the Threat of Asra's safety came first or Muriel's position as a gladiator came first, I can't help but believe that Muriel's position as a gladiator came first, as otherwise, he might've gone out and tried to check on Asra's safety. (though this is mostly a headcannon) I believe that Lucio offered Muriel a chance to have some say in who gets "cleaned up" from the streets, and for Muriel to be able to get rid of the "actually bad criminals". Regardless of whether or not this is true, the arena gives Muriel his first taste of admiration, as people cheer for and adore him, but it also tears that sense of admiration away as he eventually has to come to terms with what he is doing. Whether that sense of dread and awareness was always there or it occurred somewhere in the middle is also unknown but the outcome is the same regardless. Being known and being admired becomes tied to hurting and harming people—because it is the only trait he sees that other people admire, he sees it as his only lovable trait.
And so Lucio and Muriel begin to reflect each other—and I don't mean reflect as in they show the same image, I mean reflect as in we see a similar image, but the image is reversed (*wink wink nudge nudge*). Here Muriel sees himself as only capable of being loved for his ability to commit violence, and Lucio sees himself as being incapable of being loved because he cannot complete the amount of violence he needs to commit.
Now, I feel the need to emphasize here, despite having many people around him who Lucio may truly believe love and admire him, the people around him very likely don't actually care for him very much because they either do not know him well, or they see him as little more than a pawn in a plan, or at least someone who gives them benefits. And even if there are a number of people with genuine admiration for Lucio, it still wouldn't be enough. Admiration is never enough when you lack genuine emotional connections with others, and Lucio, clearly does.
Again, this parallels Muriel who also struggles with a lack of genuine emotional connections to others. Although he has Asra with him, it's clear that, Asra's tendency to be fickle with connections has extended to him as well, especially when Asra spends more time with MC than him, leaving Muriel feeling abandoned and alone. Considering that Asra is the only person we ever really see Muriel connect or talk to, it's no stretch to say that Asra is one of Muriel's only friends, if not their only friend period, and so with Asra disappearing on him as often as they do, Muriel is left feeling that he actually has no connections at all.
Of course once again reflecting each other, where Muriel clearly sees he lacks connections and pretends he does not, Lucio, makes unsteady transactional rather than emotional relationships and pretends that that is enough.
It is of course, not enough, because if it were, he wouldn't have treated Muriel like that, he likely wouldn't have plucked Muriel out at all. Although this is largely speculation, I believe that Lucio treated Muriel the way he did because he feels as if Muriel is the very child Morga would have wanted. He is big and strong, and although not technically skilled if Muriel were raised by Morga like Lucio was, he might've been. This is why his first reaction to seeing Muriel and Morga working together is that Muriel is Morga's replacement son. It's because that's how Lucio had been treating him. Muriel is Lucio's little avatar to live out the glory of being a fantastically skilled fighter who can beat up all of his opponents. This is also, why I believe that Lucio purposefully trained Muriel to be less skilled in fighting than he was. In Muriel's route, Lucio comments that he's always been able to beat Muriel, and while I do in fact believe that Lucio is actually a skilled fighter, despite how he is often presented and despite my arguments above—he's most often a skilled fighter in the technical sense. He knows all the movements, he knows all the strategies, he knows all the underhanded tricks. By not fighting Muriel too often, and refusing to teach him these tricks however much it may be able to help Muriel out in the arena, it allows Lucio to be able to defeat him whenever he wants to. It allows Lucio to make it seem to himself that he is better than the person his mother would have wanted as a son, which I believe to be both horrible but also sad, for both Lucio and Muriel.
With Lucio, it shows how desperate and inferior he feels with his fighting skills, constantly trying to compensate for it something we can also see that in the portrait of himself he has in his room.
For Muriel, it keeps him scared, and keeps him pinned in place despite having realized the consequences of his fighting. Something which only furthers his self-hatred when he realizes he actually could have easily left.
So yes, Muriel and Lucio are both very self conscious people, and while for Muriel his self consciousness stems from people seeing him as a monster, and him believing that he is one although he does not want to be one, Lucio is self-conscious in the fact that he is not seen as the brutal fighting warrior he was supposed to be.
These reflected aspects of each other, alongside of their self consciousness is the very thing they struggle through in their routes, the very thing that MC helps them to get through.
Lucio believes that through various paintings of himself that rearranges his past (paintings of himself as a triumphant fighter, while his mother is demure and elegant), various unfair/practically staged fights, and celebrations of himself on top of it all, he would be able to convince people that he is awesome and amazing and that he deserves to be loved. In doing all of this however, Lucio runs away from confronting the beliefs at his core and wondering if perhaps, what he understood as traits that make a person great may be incorrect—that his mother had not just been incorrect on the fact that he was a failure, but on the fact of what makes a person successful or powerful. By constantly covering up what he sees as deficits, Lucio skims over his own internal struggles entirely which makes him look foolish and annoying as he ignores what's so clearly there for others.
Meanwhile, for Muriel, he is aware of his deficits, and is unable to properly hide them without disappearing completely himself, he tries to figure out and fix all of his problems through introspection and isolation, but it is not something he can do on his own. Muriel of course, can't accept the fact that he may need help. He can't accept the fact that despite what he believes of himself, other people may actually care for him the same way he cares for them, and will actually offer help. And so, as he runs away from people and community, from friends, and possible friends alike, Muriel runs away from his own problems as well, even if he tortures himself with confronting them (I can't remember if he actually does this or if this is a fanfic trope 😅) Essentially, by constantly trying to deal with his struggles on his own, he neglects his connections to others who may help him, or at least offer support.
And then MC comes along, and because they both desperately needed that deep connection to someone else, regardless of whether it is something platonic or romantic. MC is able to leverage their relationship in order to further propel Muriel and Lucio's development into acknowledging the thing they refuse to acknowledge, and finally balance out their coping mechanisms, which, on their own isn't actually unhealthy (Lucio's really good at connecting with others; Muriel knows how to confront his inner turmoil) using that single method as their crutch for their traumas only ever hurts them more.
As Muriel progresses through his route, he grows more connected with his community and people. One meaningful moment that I don't think they give enough screen time in the game is the moment that Muriel is forced to confront people recognizing and seeing him again. He's forced to confront everyone's perception of him, their memory of him and he retreats into the mirror maze where he stares at all these reflections of himself, all reversed images of himself, but he believes them all to accurately represent himself—as if his superficial physical image is what represents himself mentally and emotionally. And then MC (and Morga 🙄) come through to him and pull him out of that panic attack (or interrupt and yank him away from properly addressing the problem in Morga's case 😤) And that's the first step to being loved. As they say, in order to let yourself be loved you have to let yourself be known, and in that first step, choosing to step forward and prioritize the lives of others over his own self image, Muriel begins to be admired by others. Genuinely admired, for traits that he likes in himself rather than traits that he hates.
Similarly for Lucio, (although I haven't played his route so this is largely based on hearsay) he's faced with problems that he Has to face on his own (or at least somewhat on his own) the main one being that he has to confront the consequences of his own actions, he has to acknowledge to himself that he isn't perfect and that he can't be perfect. It's why at the end of his route on the upright ending, he leaves Vesuvia, to take on a life of (semi)solitude to further take some time to improve his ability at introspection, while in the Reversed ending he's still talking with people, still trying to manipulate their perceptions of him (and the MC), and still trying to be a "good boy" (ie. perfect) for the MC.
Now, it may be argued that Julian can/should be included in this struggle of how others perceive him but I raise you this; that guy is the most dramatic ass dude in town and his biggest dramatic act was telling everyone about how horrible he is. He clearly has no issues with how other people see him, but he has problems with how he sees himself, which again, reflects Muriel a bit, but I'm sure most people are familiar with their (more blatant) similarities by now lol
So yea.
Muriel and Lucio are reflections of each other. At their core, they both struggle with the same problem of caring way too much about how they're seen by others, but they cope with (and thus worsen) the problem in opposite ways, so when they take steps to heal themself, they also go in opposite directions, with Lucio needing to take some time to himself to get into his own head, while Muriel needs some time away from himself to get out of his own head.
Essentially they're heading in opposite directions to reach the same conclusion: other people's opinions don't matter as much as your own opinion of yourself and the opinions of the people close to you.
Interesting parallels, no?
Of course, I believe this could've been better illustrated if Nyx Hydra didn't rush the last three routes, but alas, this is what fan fiction and fan-analysis is for lol
Anyways I don't tend to poke around the Lucio side of the fandom too much to begin with so if this has all been said and argued before forgive me for the repetition, and If I've gotten some points wrong, please feel free to correct me! I've mentioned before I haven't really played through Lucio's route so some things may be wrong.
#lol if you couldn't tell I write a lot of essays for classes so I tend to fall into That Voice#great thing here is that I get to include the tangents and comments amidst it all tho!#also the fact that this ended up being below 5k words is astounding lol#I feel so used to writing within a short word limit that I honestly expected my first chance at freedom would've resulted in something huge#answering asks#tetsuooooooooooo#literary analysis#the arcana#lucio morgasson#Muriel the arcana#Muriel#the arcana muriel#the arcana muriel x reader#Lucio the arcana#the arcana lucio#montag morgasson#Morga morgasson#morga the arcana#the arcana morga#muriel route#lucio route#count lucio#muriel the hermit#muriel the mountain man#muriel of the kokhuri#muriel headcanons#muriel arcana#My Writing
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even disregarding anything beyond s7, they literally live such joyless lives. like, the grief they have experienced is overwhelming, how could they ever truly be happy with that grief always hanging over their heads, the discomfort that would bring is enormous
well, no. they did not have joyless lives. like everyone, life happens to them and that means pain & grief but that doesn't mean their entire lives & existence are joyless.
we really only see them at work, we don't know what goes on outside of it.
they're actually really happy in season 1 & season 7. in season 1, they're getting to know each other, they become best friends quickly. the smile & laugh constantly, they tease each other. they always enjoy their debates & most cases. even when they're scary, even when they don't get all the answers. they get to know each other so well in that time and it's a gift to them both. they still have light moments in every season and you can't love like they do and be just miserable. in season 7, they're together. they're experiencing so many new things in their relationship that they've wanted for a long time and finally let themselves have. they're constantly flirting & smiling and talk about their feelings more openly than they have in the past.
and the other years, they find so much in each other when the world turns their back on them. mulder is scully's light when she loses melissa, when they close her case, during her cancer, with emily. he fights so hard for her and holds her up when she needs it. scully is mulder's light through every hard case, when he loses his mom, helps him find closure about samantha. she is always pulling him from the depths. he tries so hard to tell her what she means to him in his mulder way, and she finds so much meaning in a keychain & he's in awe of her. she's always asking him to get out of the car because the truth & work doesn't have to be all their lives are. and eventually he starts to learn and they play baseball and they dance and have movie nights and exchange gifts.
mulder & scully learn what to do with their grief, the love they can't give to the people they've lost. mulder fought for every child & family they came across and never gave up until they had answers, or were safely returned to their families. scully goes back into the medical field and helps every child & family she can. they go home to each other and they have a quiet life for a while.
yes, mulder was sick for a while but he comes out the other side more able to relax and he lives. he asks scully on dates, they go back to the work they love and it's much lighter than it was before. until they come across their son. there was pain in that, but there was also so much relief in knowing that jackson was loved. he had parents who loved him and took care of him and tried to get him help when he needed it. he played baseball. and for a little while they thought he was dead, but scully realized the moment his body disappeared that he wasn't really dead. and they sought him out and he gave scully small little gifts that he could. the snow globe, the knowledge that he was alive & could protect himself & that he really wanted to know her. he heard every word she said to him. my struggle iv ends very open ended. they think jackson was shot but scully is pregnant again, and they have a chance to be parents to another child like they always wanted. and you can believe they never see jackson again but that just. can't be the truth. it's open ended to leave room for them to come back, because the x files never gives us all the answers. because the fact that jackson is alive & they're having another baby is so hopeful. maybe we don't see them as a family in the end, but i think they made it clear mulder & scully never give up and jackson wants to know them. he wanted to protect them but he's just a teenager.
grief is hard but it's a part of life and it doesn't mean they can't be happy. it might never be pure, but there's no such thing as pure, untainted happiness. it's the human condition. we get to feel the whole spectrum of emotions and life grows around grief. you learn what to do with it. you learn ways to share the love you can't actively give to the people you've lost. but the connections & love don't go away. that love is belongs to you and there are so many ways to honor it, to share it with others and it can still be all about that person. that's what the x files is all about for mulder & scully. it's always what the show was about. chris carter was right: mulder and scully are the light in dark places. the show is all about their love, the way they love each other & the world & all the love they're surrounded by.
#well i answered this pretty earnestly#like idk man. i'm here because i watched the x files with my dad#and i showed it to my wife & i dragged my friends into it#and i've talked about him enough that someone wrote a fic inspired#by him and what i've said#sometimes i feel like i'm drowning in my grief#of missing him of him not getting to know renata#but i've learned ways to keep the connection alive#like scully singing joy to the world to william#or all the space pajamas & toys & the mobile#mulder couldn't be there but she made sure william could feel his presence somehow#that she could#when she thought he was dead she was carrying one more mulder#he wasn't the last one and he would never be forgotten like samantha wouldn't be forgotten#like melissa like scully's dad like mulder's parents like every person they ever helped#the x files#mulder and scully#txf txt
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https://www.tumblr.com/youremyheaven/769499107190587392/haha-i-was-a-little-hesitant-about-telling-my-age?source=share
Princess here. You're so sweet yaar 🥹 it legit feels like I'm talking to a big sister and that's so heartwarming cause I've never had one.
You're just unbelievably warm 🥹🥹🥹 and Definitely! Moving on is the way to go. Whatever happened was not my fault and all i can do is learn from that past experience cause life goes on and that pedo will get his karma just like everyone else.
Men are THE WORST! The most VILE and SCARY creatures to ever exist! You know that motherfucker would Refuse to use protection even with me practically begging him to use it cause obviously I didn't wanna get preggo or to get a fucking STD but he'd always go “Oh but it feels so good without a condom on” or “I'll pull out” and i used to be so fucking scared cause it always took literally 2 mins for that son of a bitch to cum and me being a biology nerd it was so fucking crazy, I used to be so anxious about not getting my period (on top of that I had PCOD at that time) so I used to practically have a break down every month. But obviously that guy didn't care cause “He pulled out in time” Sometimes he'd even scream at me and practically force me to do things which is just disgusting and at that time i used to wonder why it wasn't as physically or mentally arousing for me.
awww<33
thats really sweet of you and im so glad youve stuck around for sooo long bbg !!!
his karma will come for him. you stay safe and take care of yourself and heal from everything. being a teenager is the absolute worst. im in my mid 20s and everyday im just glad im not a teenager, not having any autonomy and being controlled SUXX like how do you even file a complaint about any of this without them making u sound like a bad guy (welcome to India where any woman/girl who has sex, consensual or not, is a slut)
the pull out nonsense PISSES ME OFF. like it has veryyyy real consequences and i cannot believe some asshat will just but his tiny dick and its pleasure above all else YUCK 🤢🤢🤮🤮like refusing to use a condom is paramount to rape
i hope all those bastards go to hell
sidenote: i heard people at work joke about my big "melons" and ive been in bad mood since. like i cant keep my tits at home and then go to work??? so like??? yeah theyre out there but literally what am i supposed to do???
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some of my fave rbs or asks or comments ive received... thank you all :) - no need for anyone to respond or anything to this, just really wanted to put this together more for myself - i doubt most of your remember these but i do heh [more under the cut, and perhaps lil notes too depending on the comment]
the first three!! major huge moments for me. from sha (@dinoshaur) one of the first comments i received on a work that wasn't fanfic exactly. meant the world to me then, and still does now. | from @redevenir the very very first comment (i believe) i ever ever received on the sea is yours to take,, it's been nearly 4 years since i first posted that piece and people still somehow find it, and it all started with that rb | and from choco ! @chocosvt one of the very first comments/rbs i got when i started properly writing on tumblr in 2020, this got the ball rolling on what became (and still is) such a dear passion/hobby of mine (also also can you believe i still use the mlist banner that choco oh so kindly made for me ages ago LOL its beautiful, i'll never get rid of it as long as this blog exists
and moment of silence for my old url :0
the first one... when another line of mine is quoted in another piece of mine's comments... head in hands forever. 2/3 of these were left by @gracefulweather (one for sure is, and i think the uquiz comment was also left by them but not sure) but thank you either way sherri!! | the second sc tbh i don't remember who left it but it was on tsiytt and it made me feel like i achieved something in crafting that world. although i may never revisit that world in writing, i revisit it often in my mind.
flower anon your comments meant so much to me, i hope youre still out there somewhere doing well :) | and to the other anon that left the second one, i was speechless and honored to reach that ask
@hhjs amal's comments have always made me feel like im doing something otherworldly which isn't true at all but i will forever love rereading their tags. also just amal's mind in general, i wanna pick your brain forever
n! i already made an emo missing n post but here are some comments from them lol. and the last one!!! me and water <3333 when people starting associating me with water/ocean/sea/waves too <333333
@heavenlyhaechan zahra!!! there were so many ones i could have put here but this one seemed to sum it all up. you get me :p if you see this, i hope you've been well :))
@dapingu the first and third one are just ones that make me giggle still LOL and then the second one is one that i hold so so close to me cause i had absolutely no idea if anyone would read that piece but then you did ! and you left this comment even after the fact too! i was so touched. i feel like i should personally apologize for making no moves to continue the series (and probably also for deactivating the gifts and sins blog) BUT thank you nonetheless. and as a added bonus you never failed to make me laugh so thank you also for that
@thepixelelf ursa!!!! the first one is horribly cut off but is prob one of my fave notes you ever left on a fic of mine (battling also with that one sunwoo recovery files style inspired drabble) and then ofc i couldn't not mention the 'boo you whore' comment :D also so glad to have you on this site still and to have your friendship and to look at bees and bears and think of you :) you mean the world to me
@kabira manx i think the fact that there are so many screenshots here speaks for itself like... i just simply could not bring myself to pick one !!! i am so lucky to have found you on here. i think in a way you helped me find out what i was good at and what i liked about my own writing before i even figured it out myself <3
@sagescaffeinemania the first one made me laugh and the second one makes me emo. feels like a declaration of love in way but i don't mean that in a weird way LOL i think your support on oasis singlehandedly introduced so many others to that piece, how can i ever thank you for that? and i apologize if i haven't even attempted a thank you yet
@cuppasunu KYU your bulleted comments on my silly long fics always meant so much to me ,, i know its been a very very long time but i hope you've been well
@blossom-hwa lina! best for last some might say. i mean you must know how much that oasis rb meant to me right? because it means the world. i think you calmed every doubt i had about that piece and lifted even higher everything i loved about it too. and the first sc esp, i couldn't have said it all better myself. that scene felt like i risk when i was writing it and im so glad it played out the way i was hoping it to and not the dreadful other way lol | and as for the second screenshot. really i think i love that comment because of how you wrote it more than what you said about the piece if that makes sense. one can tell from that little paragraph alone what a writer(!) you are. i love rereading that comment but i think i mainly just love reading your writing lol (dont think im not making my way through worn out soles)
#i hope this is okay!#pls lemme know if not ! and i can def remove or delete whatever#also also if i got any pronouns or names wrong#ik its been a while since ive interacted with most of u and things might've changed#i hope all the writers on here know that if youre here it means i also love your writing!!!#i havent been on here like i used to but i appreciate all of you
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Writer’s comment: this is a part 4 of the “timelines collide storyline” if you haven’t seen part two the link is here
The infinitewatch chronicles:Timelines collide part IV
As Infinite walked through the rift he said, “Eren you’re coming with me. Accident or not you killed a kid. You’re going to be put in a cell where you’re powers will be nullified and unusable. I’ll help to train you soon. But for now you must be punished.” His visor finally changed to yellow and he escorted Eren to a cell block where each cell was blank white with a button to activate a light blue forcefield to contain the prisoners. Eren could see many people and creatures. One appeared to be made from a black hole and another appeared to have some gold gauntlet and was purple. Infinite said, “Your cell will be right right here.” They stopped at the cell on the left of the purple creature. “It’s only temporary,” Infinite continued. “You’ll be here for about a week. I’ll take you to the training room every day for this duration to help perfect your abilities. You’ll probably have a couple visitors. After looking at Mikasa’s file i’m certain of that. However looking at Amity’s file she’s probably gonna visit you for much different reasons. Good luck.” Before leaving he looks at the cell next to Eren and says, “Hey Thanos, your stones are still powering my armor, if you’re done with genocide you can join Infinitewatch. It would be a great honor if we had the mad titan going to war with us.” Thanos just looks at Infinite and says, “No. I stand by my belief. I won’t give up on it.” Infinite shakes his head and walks away. Titan starts walking to the cells and Infinite stops Titan while saying, “You didn’t have a hand in this, did you? I remember your early rebellion days.” Titan shakes his head saying, “Why would I risk my great position here.” Infinite coldly responds by saying, “Because you want to change infinitewatch and take mine.” Titan’s visor turns red as he says, “That was a long time ago and I still think infinitewatch could benefit from some of those you consider forbidden. Like shin Godzilla, its adaptive capabilities could help improve infinitewatch greatly.” Infinite’s visor turns red too and says, “We’ve been over why that wouldn’t work. Now shut up.” Titan’s fists clinch but he walks away and his visor slowly shifts back to yellow. When infinite exits the cell block he reaches Eren’s cell and says, “Good work soldier. You still want to flatten the earth? Well I can help with that.” Eren says, “I can’t believe I just killed a kid. This has gone to far.” Titan’s visor turns red as he bangs on the forcefield hard and says, “You will continue the mission. I need a distraction to get a shin Godzilla dna sample but I need chaos to do that.” Eren says, “Get it on your own, I’m done with the rumbling. I just want to do good here.” Eren lays down on the floor of his cell as Titan walks away. He hears a deep voice from the cell next to his which he recognizes as Thanos from when he responded to Infinite. The voice asks him, “Why are you here.” Eren responds, “Titan told me to sabotage the next mission so he could do something although I’m not sure what. He promised me I could complete the rumbling and he’d help me if I did that. All I wanted was to cause a little more damage to distract Infinite. But instead when I accelerated what was happening they got to close to where one of the locals were that were helping us. She was crushed.” Eren’s voice starts to tremble as he says, “She was just a kid. She didn’t need to die.” Thanos sighed before saying, “Look, we all do things we aren’t proud of. When we’re trying to complete our mission. I’ve wiped out half the population of multiple planets and nearly killed half of the universe. I still want to, it’s how I solve the population problem of the universe.” Eren says, “I still feel like shit about that girl dying but I’m now realizing there’s much worse atrocities committed by others.” Meanwhile, Infinite is giving the others their orientation when Mikasa leaves the group to visit Eren. She looks around for a little bit until finally finding the cell block where she yells out, “Eren!?” Eren yells back, “Over here!”
Mikasa runs to the cell and says, “Don’t worry! I’m gonna get you out of here.” Eren responds, “No, let me serve my time. I killed that kid. I deserve to be here.” Mikasa says, “Is this really what you want?” Eren responds, “Yes. I need to be punished for this.” Mikasa nods and walks away. Amity walks in the cell block and Mikasa says, “He’s over there by that purple thing.” Amity walks over and asks Eren, “Were you in control of those things?” Eren responds, “Those things are called wall titans and I wasn’t in control the whole time.” Eren struggled to say the rest, “But from the moment of the first scream I’d had some form of control. I just haven’t fully trained my ability yet.” Amity said, “Have you any idea who you killed? She was my girlfriend. We’d been trying to get her home. Back to the human realm but then Belos started and evil plan that would wipe out the boiling isles. I assume teleporting us to that place was part of the plan. His plan was to make us weak with the draining spell and then crush us with those giants. But Luz, she wasn’t supposed to die. Her blood is on your hands. So now…” Amity pulls out some sort of vile with dark purple goo. “So now, your blood will be on my hands” she opens the vile and the goo flies to her hand making a giant fist with spikes on the front she goes to punch the blue force field keeping Eren in the cell and separating the two of them. Before the first punch can land Infinite seems appear from nowhere and the red ring glows Amity freezes in place. Infinite says, “If you have a grievance against Eren why don’t you fight him in the training room. I strongly advise against it though. He’s a god class being and you’re not gonna survive for long in an arena against him.” Amity asks, “Where’s this training room.” Infinite says, “Right this way.” He let’s Eren out of his cell and they walk to the training room. When they get in the training room Eren says, “For what it’s worth I’m sorry about what happened on the mission.” Amity says, “Too little too late.” The room turns into shiganshina and Eren get’s a small grin as he looks around and sees the walls still standing. The grin disappears as he bites his hand and transforms into his 200 meter titan. He screams and all the walls fall. Hundreds of millions of walls titans go behind Eren. Amity gasps in shock. She creates as big a circle on the ground as she can and a giant creature made of purple goo rises. Amity yells out, “ABOMINATION MAKE THE ONE IN FRONT SUFFER AND KILL THE REST! THE FINAL KILL WILL BE MINE!!!!!!” Eren screams again and the wall titans begin marching forward. Amity creates more abominations of the same size as the first and they seem to understand the situation and and run towards the wall titans and fight them. But the wall titans push forward due to the abominations not knowing the weak spot of the nape of the neck. Eren screams again and the wall titans part, making a singular opening. Eren and Amity stare at each other for a moment before Eren slams his fist into the ground and spikes of titan hardening begin flying from the ground Amity dodges out of the way before she could get impaled by a spike. Eren runs to Amity and picks her up and holds her in the air. There appears to be sorrow in his titan body’s eyes as he squeezes and kills amity. The training room goes back to normal and Eren leaves his titan body and Amity comes back. She looks surprised and says, “How am I alive?” Eren says, “It had something to do with this room. I don’t understand it myself but I know if you die in a combat simulation here you live.” Amity nods and says, “I can’t kill you now. I don’t have the power to right now. But I promise I will be the reason you draw your last breath. Mark my words.” Eren nods and says, “So it’s back to my cell right?” Infinite walks into the room and says, “Yes, you don’t get off that easy by winning a vengeance fight.” Infinite escorts Eren back to his cell and reactivates the force field, sealing Eren in.
When Infinite leaves Thanos asks, “How’d it go. I imagine you won. Didn’t realize you were a god class being.” Eren asks, “How do you know so much about this place.” Thanos responds, “I’ve been here a while. I’m one of the first prisoners infinitewatch brought in since the current Infinite took control. He believes in redemption. It’s why he keeps offering me a place here. But if you do something really extreme, and your considered irredeemable or too dangerous to live he’ll kill right then and there. Nobody’s immortal as long as there’s an Infinite.” Eren goes silent. Thanos says, “I was apart of infinitewatch at a time. The previous Infinite was a little unhinged. He commanded mass genocide. Luckily for him that’s what I specialized in back home. That’s why I lead the marvel division. They’re the most used so they’re rarely here. They’re one of the biggest divisions here too.” Eren says, “The previous Infinite and I would’ve gotten along. I planned to kill everyone except my people back on my home island.” Thanos says, “Impressive. A waste of life but impressive. How did you plan to do it?” Eren says, “I have the founding titan, attack titan, and warhammer titan. But as long as I used the founding titan the others didn’t matter as much. I’m pretty much a god back home. I planned to do something called the rumbling where I would command hundreds of millions of titans which would emerge from the walls that protected my home. They would march out from the island and flatten the earth.” Thanos is taken aback and says, “Why would that be your option?” Eren responds, “The world hated my people for what we’d done in the past. Happened 2000 years ago but we were still persecuted for it. None of us were safe when the outside world still stood.” Thanos says, “Look at it this way, you’re only here for a week. These cells keep you alive so you can serve your sentence. I’ve been here centuries. I should count myself lucky. One other has been here since his birth. He’s a last resort option for Infinite, his name is black hole. Hell, he could even takeover infinitewatch if he broke out of here. But Titan would probably do it before him. If he doesn’t leave us and make his own organization. Titan has been obsessed with something Infinite calls restricted titans.” Eren is surprised and says, “There’s more powerful titans than mine?” Thanos responds, “I’ve heard others talk of creatures so uncontrollable or so potentially self destructive to infinitewatch for use to even attempt to use. One called shin Godzilla can adapt to anything. Titan wants to put their its dna samples in specially designed armors to mimic its abilities. Another is ghidora the planet eater. He believes he can trap it into a pocket dimension and use it’s abilities to stretch it’s necks to great effect. That titan is more of a god than you are. It can create gravitational forces that crush planets, warp time, and can even prevent physical damage to itself by warping reality. There’s a couple others but you know it’s bad if Infinite doesn’t want to risk it.” Eren says, “Why hasn’t infinite removed Titan?” Thanos says, “He believes in redemption. After the titan containment incident Titan redeemed himself by fixing the whole problem. He killed all the titans with a new armor he’d made and he went into the monster multiverse to tame new ones and brought them back. It is the nature of infinitewatch to eventually change leadership through civil war. It works sometimes. It’s how our current Infinite gained his position.” Titan runs into the cell block and says, “Eren, did you take belos out of the capsule infinite put him in.” Eren responds, “I didn’t even know he was contained. I was on top of the titan skull at that point.” Titan says. “Shit, then he must’ve escaped.” He opens the force field and Eren says, “Why waste your time here? It seems like you’ve got your chaos. Go get your dna sample if your so determined.” Titan says, “I will in one moment,” suddenly, he pulls out some kind of scepter with a pointed in and a glowing blue ball.
Thanos gasps and says, “Eren! Don’t let him touch you with that. He’ll be able to control you if he does!” Before Eren can react Titan touches the the pointed end of the scepter to Eren’s chest. Eren appears to change suddenly and he runs to the rift room where infinite already gathered his friends and the new recruits. Amity stared him down but Eren didn’t react. Infinite said, “Alright! Belos escaped his containment on the titan skull. He could be anywhere on the boiling isles but intelligence of the boiling isles says he will most likely head to the heart of the titan and attempt to…” Infinite is cut off when Eren uses the rift technology to create a giant rift outside the base and he sprints out of the room and out of the base. He bites his hand and screams out when he transformed into his 200 meter titan. The wall titans begin walking through the rift. Infinite runs out and says, “Piek, go find Titan, Zeke, you’ll find boulders you can use behind the base, Reiner, Annie, Armin, you guys catch a ride with Hunter, Amity, and Willow, two people a staff, one shifter and one witch, once you’re high enough to get Eren you jump off, transform and pull him from the nape, and Gus, you get recon on what’s going out there so we can adjust strategy if we need to! Go go go!!!!” The wall titans begin pouring through the rift and Gus reports this to Infinite. He uses the mind stone in his power core to speak to everyone in their minds, “Everybody from the Attack on Titan universe and The Owl House universe need to leave the base and kill as many wall titans as you can. Anyone else help with protocol heat and force reinforcement!” Eda turns into a harpy and flies out with king on her back. Infinite’s voice appears in their heads again as he says, “Aim for the napes of the necks of the titans! They won’t die from any other injury!” As they all run out they see something come out in a ball covered in markings and they hear it yell out, “I’m back!” Amity gasps and whispers, “Luz?”
#attack on titan#armin arlert#colt grice#eren yeager#falco grice#piek finger#porco galliard#emperor belos#amity blight#zeke yeager#the owl house#eda the owl lady#king toh#luz noceda
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I was going to put this in the notes but you know what? Nah. I keep wanting to talk about it and then backing off but like. Nah today, y'all get to hear about what happened last year because this shit is important.
To try to keep a long story short (and get to the point that actually has something to do with OP's post) we're going to do as much of a speedrun as we can for what happened to me last year. I'm not known for being able to condense things super well but we're gonna try anyway!
In April I had a massive bleeding episode that landed me in the hospital. I thought it was just a heavy period, I have PCOS and was used to those, but nah. It was Bad. They gave me medicine, it slowed down until I ran out and had another (though less severe) episode. I was put on birth control but every month the bleeding was just so heavy and the pain so severe I could barely leave my house.
After I stood up in the bathroom one day and then literally had to rest my forehead against the wall to keep from passing out I decided to do some research, then went to urgent care three times trying to say "Hey I think I'm severely anemic, these are my symptoms, can you check this?" One of those visits ended with me going to the hospital for the second time that year in a trip that could have been avoided if the doctor looking me over had just fucking asked what birth control I'm on. But he didn't.
I finally called a doctor's office a friend had recommended to me because no one else was listening. I got in to a woman who not only listened to me and believed me when I told her that I was anemic, she apologized for the way I had been medically mistreated not just as a woman but as a fat patient. She did tests, found out that yes, I was severely anemic. We started doing iron transfusions and looking into what had happened.
Turns out I had a fibroid in my uterus that made any other treatments for heavy periods pretty much useless. She sent me to a surgeon to talk about me getting a hysterectomy. The consult went great, I left crying happy tears because I was finally being listened to and wouldn't have to deal with severe pain and bleeding for the rest of my life.
Fast forward to October. I had requested the time off work, made all the arrangements that needed to be made. I was hooked to an IV, scrubbed up, ready to go back to the OR. There were last minute changes that had to be made regarding how the surgery would be handled. Something that was supposed to be a one day outpatient thing ended up being a 2 night stay in the hospital. It was a much more difficult recovery, I had to take an extra week unpaid from work because it was genuinely a much more traumatizing experience than expected, and I hadn't had any time at all to prepare.
My doctor reached out to check up on me after a week. I explained the last minute changes, and how I had felt like I was an afterthought when this man had to go in and cut me open, and he couldn't even tell me for sure later what all had been done/ removed. (He literally said they "may have" left part of my cervix in. Like???)
My doctor was pissed. She started filing complaints with the hospital. They told her that the complaints really needed to come from me and she said basically said "bullshit this patient is in my care and this isn't her responsibility, she came to me and I'm going to help with this." And she did. She called, and complained, and she got him on the phone to get me the answers that he couldn't give me the day of my surgery.
She was nice, but he still got a dressing down, and she told me recently that she could tell he was very humbled by the feedback she had passed along. She's also stopped recommending any of her patients go to him, at least for the time being. She hasn't sent anyone to him since my debacle in October.
I love my doctor, and I trust her with my life (literally.) And whether they do it politely the way I know my PCP did, or if they're yelling at each other the way the post says? Fuck yes, this should be normalized.
Doctors should have to listen to their patients. Doctors should fucking believe their patients. And if they aren't listening, and believing? Then yeah, they should get knocked down a few pegs when someone does finally figure it out.
Doctors should snark at each other more, be a bit mean. Not for no reason, mind you. But if five doctors blow me off about symptoms and doctor number six FINALLY runs actual tests and gets a diagnosis, I think it should be Doctor Six's right to call up the other five and tell them they're lazy pieces of shit. That should be socially encouraged. Those first five doctors clearly can't listen to patients, but maybe another doctor might finally get to them.
#Anyway I'm fine now#I can mostly laugh about it and only wish chronic shits on my surgeon once a week instead of daily the way I used to#I really hope he did change how he starts treating his patients#He did great as an advocate for a queer woman but goddamn#You have to think about all of the aspects of a patient and not just go balls to the wall and have total disregard for them
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do you have any tips about getting PR in canada, i'm trying to figure this out with my gf who lives in america (also idv edaters. unfortunately)
WE WERE NOT IDV EDATERS SCREAMMMMM you should have just kicked sand in my eyes. i begged him to play idv with me he wouldnt cos he was scared. anyway.
unfortunately my tips are very limited as ive been 'done' with the bullshit for over a year now. and like immigration lawyers literally get paid thousands cause its so complicated :( like not in a 'pay me' way but like its an insane feat to pull off without professional help. that and pr shit is changing all the time so im sure a lot of what i experienced is outdated
i spent like 1.5 years no exaggeration in the pr RESEARCH mines (mostly on r/immigrationcanada) and honestly i still felt like i was learning new shit right up until the day i submitted my application. and then more and more after i had submitted it. its really really hard unfortunately. i really advise asking/searching for questions on that subreddit whenever possible, there are a lot of people who can help when youre unsure.
if it wasnt clear you have to be married to apply for the spousal sponsorship, which as far as I understand is pretty much how most american to ca prships happen. if you (when i say you i mean your american girl bc thats the perspective im coming from) happen to have a skilled job (the canadian gov website has a key to determine if your job classifies as skilled) then I believe there is another route, but I wasn't eligible so idk shit about that. dont bother looking into whether you qualify as common law or conjugal or whatever bc you very very likely dont meet their standards. i got married in the states a week before crossing the border, your marriage certificate would be valid in canada
off the bat i would say, unless you know for sure your living situation would 100% COMPLETELY PROVIDE FOR YOU for 6 months to a year, then you should probably apply for an OUTLAND spousal sponsorship. if you move in together in canada and apply for INLAND spousal sponsorship then you cannot work period, there is no legal way for you to make any cent of income. you will not be eligible for provincial healthcare, so i recommend getting long term travel insurance (i rec geoblue). the border is a whole other ordeal if you don't have any status in canada, you can't look like you're moving (i.e no moving boxes no tons of luggage) you can't look like you're eloping or staying for more than a couple months and even if you do everything right they still may suspect you and deny you entry. i did inland and it was really really difficult and at times scary for these reasons, i did not exactly do some things by the book in order to get by *WINKKK*. if you can stand to get married and then part for upwards of a year then i would really really suggest the outland route. unless youll be provided for then GOOD FOR YOU *shaking fist* random but americans also have to continue filing us taxes even if they have moved out of country. so remember that.
moreso tips umm DOCUMENT EVERYTHINGGG YOU DO TOGETHER this is my biggest piece of advice. you have to prove your relationship is legit, here is a list of stuff i included in my application:
receipts/the route we took for our honeymoon
screenshots of support from relatives, like facebook or other social media posts acknowledging your relationship
we got our wills done to make each other the sole benefactor
receipts and pictures of gifts weve gotten each other
photos of both of you with friends and family is 100% required
proof of past visits to each other
receipts and pics for past dates/outings/events
letters of support from family/friends (i got these notarized)
lots of stuff from online chat logs/social media. pictures of chats, phone calls, video calls from across years. i think i included at least one of each from every month since we got together. chats should be relevant to relationship stuff like discussing moving in, getting married, relatives, etc.
a letter detailing our relationship with exact dates, locations, etc. like when we met, when we started dating, when we visited, how we got engaged, etc. you have to make a case for yourself as if you were in court.
if youre researching stuff there is honestly not a lot of resources specifically for edaters! so many people like have like children together in another country or have been established there as a married couples for years so they have a ton of foundation to work off of. canada doesnt just want to see that youre in love they want to see the work that goes into that, like shared leases and joint bank accounts and years of financial support and children etc etc. it sucks but you have to justify it in other ways when youre (im assuming) young and childless and unmarried until recently. you can get some of those things once you move in together but idk, i was rather safe than sorry an scrounged up all the 'soft' evidence i could right up until i submitted it.
i think thats about it i wish i could help more lol. its definitely one of the hardest things ive had to do like emotionally financially temporally effortfully lmfao. good luck?!
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ok here we go heres all my fuckign endgame stuff for ruby's main plotline. ive been hoarding screenshots forever i dont even know how long ago this was now
bro holy fuck
i M LOSING MY MIND!!! LOOK AT THIS
i am so fuckening confused
ruby and. her son, i guess,
im putting this post together way way way after the fact so i don't fully remember how i felt when i discovered this but like. i don't. know what to do with this. it isn't that much of a shock that he's become Old since. up until this point its extremely unclear how much time actually passed between freezings (except that it was 200 years from the initial freeze to the escape). so the thought that maybe he was alive somewhere but really old had occurred to me. but how do you even begin to try to have a relationship now. are we even family anymore, really.
skeletons!! i like them
im not sure what the hell Happened with super mutants. i guess they were intended to be. well, super human, but why did the institute just. release them everywhere. i forget if there was stated information about this but like when you encounter hostile synths they're Doing Something for the institute, super mutants are just. being super mutants and killing everything
found a weird floating spark that was just kinda stuck here. no idea why
anyway so. i tried really hard to play this civilly. the institute has done great evil but there's also just. families in here. there's scientists genuinely trying to make worthwhile advances. the big problem with the institute is the lack of regard for anyone else's rights, they have incredible incredible resources and are choosing to use them only for their own purposes. "Father" was intending to hand control over to me. with the right leadership, they could be using these resources to help people. just outright destroying it all and killing everyone inside regardless of anything would be such a loss. they have such potential for positive change in the commonwealth, in the world.
but despite the fact that you are being given control of the institute, despite the fact that the player character depending on your choices can be such a massively influential leader, you just don't get to make that choice. you aren't allowed to create change or negotiate peace. i tried working with them very cautiously up until i hit a wall where i was forced to decide between "destroy the railroad" and "destroy the institute" and i absolutely could not betray the railroad for these people
but before that, i suddenly got raided by the brotherhood out of fucking nowhere, which i understand now that ive started kind of acting as a double agent in the brotherhood on another file and learned they're pretty violently against synths and anyone who wants to help them
but if you don't do any of their quests there's really no buildup to this. i helped danse out that one time and we just never really talked again because i didn't want to join and then suddenly they're marching into my fucking HQ
how fucking dare they. honestly. i am still not over this. i will never be over this
i was really fucking mad about them tearing up HQ and about glory so i stormed into the "take out the prydwen" questline. at first
this was deacon's brilliant disguise for infiltrating the brotherhood. some fucking how this worked. how does he do it
but during the course of the infiltration i did some poking around to see what was in here first. and again i found lots of people believing they're doing the right thing. people who have been brainwashed and manipulated. people who are arrogant and self-righteous, sure, but do they deserve to die for it? there were children in here. i found a note from a child writing home to his parents out there somewhere. that kid is dead now because of me
everyone on that ship is dead. the game plays this as a triumphant victory. i wanted this at first because i was acting on Revenge but watching it all burn down just made me feel sick.
i never found danse again. he's no longer at the police station and i couldn't find him on the ship or in the wreckage. i never did anything with him beyond the first intro quest thing before you get the option to join the brotherhood (and honestly thus far on my other file he barely has a personality. i havent reached full affinity yet though) but the fact that we hung out together that one time and got on pretty well is still in the back of my mind and i really wish i could get the closure of like. finding out if he's dead or not. but since i never recruited him as a companion i can't track him and i don't think i can access like, console commands or w/e on steamdeck so i guess ill just never know
so. then the institute
i dont know why i dont have a screenshot from before things went to shit but anyway i was so fucking excited to see gorillas in here and they all ended up dead during the revolt. i guess i dont know what animals still exist out there in the world but i feel personally responsible for the extinction of the last remaining gorillas as of right now and let me tell you. it doesn't feel good
i didnt want this!! i didnt want any of this!
i dont feel responsible for shaun's death specifically since. he was dying anyway. but it doesn't help to know that technically i probably killed him first.
so. that's two mass murders/at least borderline genocides im now personally responsible for. this, also, was portrayed in game as a victory and a triumph. i just felt empty. we stopped two dangerous forces, but we killed so fucking many people to do it. i want to say the point is war never changes, but it felt like i was supposed to feel like "hooray we won we defeated the evil" rather than feeling like im just continuing the cycle of murder and destruction that brought the world to this state in the first place which seems incredibly against the point. i still feel just as strongly as i ever did that mass murder is not and is never the answer. this feels wrong. this doesn't feel like a win, to me.
sighs. yeah man. we still gotta worry about aliens
i brought synth shaun out with me. he seems to believe he's the original shaun? i don't know what to do with that. i have no difficulty accepting him as my kid, but he's fundamentally not the original shaun. that baby is gone. that baby grew up without me and became a man who is now dead. this is my second child and i feel like it would be better to acknowledge that than to treat him as if he were the child i lost. technically original shaun made him with his own dna and his memories so he's kind of my grandson.
i also don't know what his life is going to be like, it sounds like he was created as specifically a "child synth" - not a baby, and all other synths start as adults, so it seems like they don't age. nick is a prototype so we don't know how he compares to the current generation but he's been around for ages
so presumably synth shaun is going to just be a child forever. he'll have codsworth, curie, nick, and hancock to look after him, though. i think he'll be alright.
mildly concerning meta implications here but sure
i brought him to the castle, it's my most well-established and well defended settlement and it's where preston and curie live when they're not with me, so it felt like a good place for him. i don't usually leave codsworth at the castle but i brought him to see shaun anyway
i built him his own room and everything
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Three weeks, three, without my full dose of SNRI.
There needs to be a better way to do this. Every year we are going to go through this all over again because insurance doesn't approve expensive medication for life. No in a year I might just magically be cured of fibromyalgia and my brain decides to work right. *sigh* I have jumped through all the hoops. I have tried every medication that is currently used for fibromyalgia. I have been on multiple antidepressants. It is well documented this is the only medication that helps my depression. Just as it is well documented that I have tried every treatment for migraines except that new thirty minute IV one that's extremely expensive and neuromodulation.
Every year insurance wants the exact same paperwork we sent over to get approved in the first place with. Shouldn't that be on file already? Isn't a doctor saying, "yes, patient responds well to this treatment and we want to continue it," enough? Why is the wait time so long for a medication that has been approved in the past? I can understand all the obstacles while trying to get initial approval. If something cheaper works insurance would rather shell out for that, I get it. But I did my part, I suffered through all those trials, my doctors have done their parts too. Why is this a year occurrence? They don't dispute any of my cheap medication. I'm not the one setting the price of my meds. I would love if the cheap stuff worked! My body is very drug resistant and as I never shut up about, it is wired wrong.
The pharmacy holds my prescription, even if I got some emergency funds out and attempted to pay myself. They won't fill it until they get the okay. They also can't spare you anything to tide you over, I understand that is a legal issue. But that's where there should be a process, one month before the coverage expires, insurance should say, "hey send us those papers." Then while it's processing you still get your next month's worth of meds and bam, you never had any interruption of medication because it's approved before you need your next refill.
I've noticed a shift in our mood lately. Bleu has been getting really down. I've lost track of how many times he's cried the past couple weeks. Today it was out of nowhere. Literally everything was fine and he fell to pieces. Very reminiscent of how we were unmedicated...I don't like that. It's not normal crying, it's full-on sink to the earth wailing and it can last for an hour or more. Worse yet, it happens multiple times a day without a prompt. Not only is it uncomfortable for everyone around, but it seems very harmful to our well-being. This isn't the letting emotions out kind of cry but ramping them up worse. Bleu has alerted me to where he is mentally, it's not great. I'm just glad Lilith is leaving him alone for now. He does not need any ideas. Thankfully I'm grounded enough that I can remind him it's that we're off our meds and this will be fixed soon. It's temporary.
Last night I got a bit dizzy but today...what boat am I on and how do I get off? I'm certain I would come off as intoxicated but what is really happening is neurologic issues and beginning stages of withdrawal. It's difficult to keep my balance, my muscles keep locking up, I'm having brain shocks, we're highly emotional, a mess. I took our normal afternoon dose as our meds should be in tomorrow and we need them. It's clear we can barely function without our medication. I truly believe if we were not put on it when we were we would not be alive currently. I know I shouldn't complain, I have known others that get their meds interrupted every few months. We're lucky it's only once a year. But that gap shouldn't happen to anyone.
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The journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step
So I've been struggling for a long time now. Ive had many ups and downs for the past 2-3 years. I was dead broke for multiple months at a time. Other times I thought I would die from a broken heart. But the biggest thing for me has always been feeling lost in life when it comes to my career. I've always wanted a job I found actually interesting and enjoyed doing, not just doing it because its work and I have bills to pay.
Ive been going back and forth with what I want to do for months now. Should I go back for another 4 year degree? Should I get some certifications and switch careers into IT? Should I just continue to be like 99% of the world and hate going to work everyday? After months and months of going back and forth I believe I've found my calling.
I am going to become a software engineer / web developer.
I know crazy right. If you have any knowledge about the job market right now you'll know how crazy this is. This field in particular is currently in the middle of many major layoffs and people with years and years of experience are unable to find jobs. So why would I want to spend my time and energy and money going into an uncertain field. Because I actually enjoy the type of work Id be doing for once (once I do finally land a job). That is the biggest and the only important thing to me (but the fact that there is definitely money to be made in this file doesnt hurt). Also I love solving problems.
So with that being decided its going to be a long jounrey but Im looking forward to it. Someone in the space said it would be a good idea to document the journey so thats what this page is for. Im going to try to update about once a week if I can remember,
I plan to enroll in WGU this upcoming fall and major in computer science. My goal is to finish withing 1.5 years at the longest.
Today I took the initiative and start looking at some very basic tutorials and material to start expanding my knowledge. This pictures are the first 2 in documenting this adventure. This is me opening VS code for the first time as well as creating my first html document after watching videos for about 2 hours. Here we go!!
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